


I love you (and that's all I really know)

by mcrvel



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Aunt May Is a Good Bro, BAMF Michelle Jones, Depression, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, Sad Michelle Jones, Self-Harm, academic decathlon - Freeform, dont hurt my babies, implied emotional trauma, lots of emotions, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:27:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29279172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcrvel/pseuds/mcrvel
Summary: She'd never let Peter get intimate with her, not because she didn't want to, but because she didn't want him to see the scars.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Michelle Jones
Comments: 1
Kudos: 30





	I love you (and that's all I really know)

Michelle Jones isn't too big on emotions. At least thats how she chooses to portray herself. To the world, she's Michelle Jones, feminist, and resident Midtown Badass. To the decathlon team, she's MJ, feminist, and resident Midtown Badass. To Peter, she's MJ, master of first-aid, feminist, and resident Midtown Badass. But behind the closed doors, she's broken. Broken beyond belief. 

Everyday, she goes out and puts a smile on her face, and everyday when she comes home, the smile disappears. She doesn't even know why she's sad. Her life hasn't been perfect, far from it. But she's gotten stronger, learned how to put on a brave face, and besides, things are changing. She has a boyfriend. A sweet, loving boyfriend, who'd do anything for her. She has friends. She has a place she feels like she belongs. But she's still falling apart. All alone. By herself.

She doesn't want to be a burden. Peter has enough on his plate. Her mom barely has time for herself, let alone her daughter. She lets Peter talk through his trauma with her, because boy has he been through a lot. She just listens, ruffling her hands through his hair. That's another reason she never says anything. Peter's lost so much, he doesn't want him to realize that he's losing her too. The world's losing it's grasp on Michelle Jones. 

You'd never tell by looking at her. She laughs. She smiles. And most of those are genuine. It's not like she doesn't enjoy things. She loves making fun of Peter and Ned. She loves the Academic Decathlon team. But she hates herself. The only reason she's still here, is for the people around her. She's not living for herself. She's living so that she doesn't put the people she cares about into a dark place. And it's difficult. It's fucking difficult. Each day, she wipes her tears, and rises from the floor, even though it's not her she's rising for. 

The self-harm was an escape. She couldn't explain it, but it was. It made her feel better. It helped, in some weird, twisted way, it helped. She'd never let Peter get intimate with her, not because she didn't want to, but because she didn't want him to see the scars. She didn't want him to know. The scars were her secret. Nobody needed to know.

One Monday morning, Michelle stopped by Peter's before school. She knocked on the door, and May let her in. She sat at the counter, waiting for Peter. "You ok?" May asked. Michelle's eyes welled up with tears. "Oh Michelle honey, I didn't mean to make you upset, come here baby, come give me a hug." May said, wrapping her arms around the girl. Peter came out of his bedroom. The girl was shaking. Peter had never seen her like this before. Michelle had always been the strong one in their relationship, his emotional support system. 

"Michelle, you aren't going to school today. Neither are you Peter. I've got to get to work, but you two are going to stay here, and you two are going to talk." May decided. "I-I've got to go to school." Michelle whimpered. "I'm calling the school right now. You're staying right where you are." May said.

After May's gone, Peter motioned her towards the couch. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. "No." 

Michelle rested her head on Peter's chest. He turned the TV on. He wanted to talk to her. He wanted to make her feel better. But he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. Or talk about things she didn't want to talk about. 

Michelle's tears dried. 

"Em, can we please talk?" Peter pleaded. Michelle didn't say anything. "Fine, you don't have to talk, but I will. You're always there for me. Whenever I need you. Whether I just need someone to talk to, or I'm bleeding my guts out, you're always there. You make me a better, and a stronger person. I'm going to be honest, I have no clue if I'd still do what I do if it weren't for you. Because Em, you inspire me. So much. And I want to change the world, because I just know you will. I don't want to see you sad and hurt. And I don't ever want you to feel like you're alone Em, cuz you're not. I know lots of people, myself included, that would do anything for you. You're so goddamn strong Em. You don't need to tell me what's bothering you, but I believe in you." Peter said. "I love you." Michelle mumbled. 

Why did her boyfriend happen to be the sweetest person on the planet? He was trying so hard, and he didn't even know what was wrong. Michelle wanted to say it was helping. With all her heart, all it's broken pieces, she wanted to say it was working. She wanted to stich those pieces together and hand them to Peter for safekeeping. 

"Peter, I can't do this anymore." Michelle blurted out. "Do what?" Peter asked. "This. Living? I can't go on like this. I can't keep pretending like nothing's wrong, when in reality my demons are tearing me apart from the inside." Michelle admitted. "Em, please don't say that." Peter said weakly. "Please tell me what's going on." 

"I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate this world. I hate that I hate it all too. I don't want to be like this. I've got a roof over my head and food in my pantry. That's more than some people can say. Which fucking sucks by the way. But I don't belong here. I can't do anything right. School comes easily to me, and I don't mind it. It takes my mind off things. And then I tell myself, I need to be strong for you. Peter needs me. I need to be here for him. You come first. You're everything, and you make me feel like I'm someone special, like I belong. And there's a part of me, that knows, and that accepts that. Maybe that's why I'm still here. But the other parts of me, don't understand how you could ever love me. When I'm in your arms, I'm not alone, but when it's just me and my head, Peter, I'm so alone. I don't even know how to explain it Peter. I want to do great things, I want to make a difference, but I'm not enough to do anything. If I were enough, then why did my dad leave? Why did he leave me? I was only 6. What did I do so wrong, that made my dad leave? Am I really that bad of a person, that he didn't care he was leaving me behind? If I was enough, why am I never enough for my mom? Why can't I help her the way I should be able to? I'm not enough for anyone. I don't deserve to be here." Michelle sobbed. 

And Peter's heart was breaking. It was hard seeing the person you loved, in so much pain, so weak. He wanted to make her feel better, but he didn't even know where to start. "Look at me Em." He said. He cupped her face in his hands, and lifted it so that they maintained eye-contact. Her watery hazel eyes were enough to make him cry, but it was his turn to be the strong one. "It's not your fault your dad left. It's not your job to take care of your mom. It's not your job to take care of me either, because Em, you should come first. Always. Have you tried talking to someone?" Michelle shook her head. "Don't have the money. That's my fault too." She sniffled. "It's not your fault baby." Peter kissed her forehead. "Never your fault." He kissed her forehead again. 

"Show me your arms Em, show me your legs too." Peter said. Michelle did what he told her to do. He brushed his fingers over the scars on her arms. Her pants are rolled halfway up. "I do it too Em. I never told you because I was scared you were going to get mad." Peter admitted. "You do?" Her voice is weak. "I have for a while now. Sometimes the physical pain is so much easier than the emotional pain." Michelle nodded, in agreement. "But that's something the both of us are going to stop, together, one step at a time. We're going to embrace these scars and we're going to stop making them." Peter told her. He started to place a kiss on each of her visible scars. "Peter, stop." Michelle sighed. Peter's face fell. "No- you're not doing anything wrong. You're being perfect. It's me." 

Peter didn't know how to tell her, how to show her, that she was his whole world. 

"I believe in you." Peter told her. 

And somehow, hearing those four words again, it did something. Michelle was proud of herself. She'd opened up to someone. She knew they'd always have each other. Peter was right too, she needed to talk to someone. And she was okay with that. It wasn't easy being broken, but Peter made it easier. 

When May arrived home to the two teenagers fast asleep, she couldn't help but smile. Those two were made for each other. Their imperfections complemented each other in every way. 

When Peter walked Michelle to her first therapy session, one week later, she thanked him. Peter was pulling her out of that dark place she'd spiraled into. Michelle knew she never wanted to live a life without him, after all, he was the reason she still had hers. 

**Author's Note:**

> hey, if you've read this far, thank you! please remember, mental health is a serious issue and please find someone to talk to. i'm here for all of you <3


End file.
